Unsolved Mysteries

Without cueing the haunting introduction to the 1980's TV series or Robert Stack, there's a phenomenon in the dating world: ghosting. It's fairly well-known among all ages, but if you're unfamiliar, "ghosting" is when one person makes the decision to stop answering or reaching out to another person after there is an established connection. This isn't something new by any means; ghosting has existed since the beginning of modern courting. However, with the prevalence of cell phones, there's no longer an excuse that someone had the inability to reach out. This is what makes it deliberate- unless the person loses their phone, becomes deathly ill or another severe circumstance- s/he is available by cell phone. Conversely, the rejected party has the ability to reach out without any success, knowing that these messages and calls are received with no reply.

In fact, this may not even have to do with dating. Ghosting can happen to friendships or acquaintances, and this is even worse than dating in my opinion.

Ghosting has been dissected over and over again- why do people do it, why it hurts and how to get over it. From the outset, it's obvious why people ghost- it's non confrontational. And its obvious why it hurts- it doesn't give "closure" to the relationship (even if it's in the early stages). Getting over it? Well, the only advice is to understand these two concepts (the non confrontational and the lack of closure) and chalk it up to disrespect. This person -should- have just said it wasn't working, lack of interest, fading interest, disgust.....would that make the other person feel any better? What if s/he started crying or became angry? No matter what, it's disappointing, but why make it any worse? It's under the general assumption that most people will eventually "get over it." It's not easy for those who are especially sensitive or experience low self-esteem. There is the constant wonder, "What did I do wrong?" 

The offshoot of ghosting is known as mutual ghosting- when both individuals choose to leave things unsaid. This tends to happen when it's assumed that one person "should" be the one who reaches out, and if s/he doesn't, the other person chooses to do the same. This can happen due to lack of interest in an ongoing relationship ("S/he wasn't my type anyway."), stubbornness ("Well, the guy is supposed to be the first to text.") or fear ("I don't want to look desperate."). 

With regard to interpersonal communication, this silent treatment speaks volumes. Since communication does not break down, ghosting forces a non verbal message to what was an ongoing open dialogue. First, the channels are checked- did this person lose his/her phone? What about email?  Next, the noise is dissected. Perhaps this person is caught up with work? Or s/he is busy seeing other people? Finally, negative feedback occurs. Again, the question is raised, "What went wrong?" "Was it me?" "Does this person have no respect for me?" It's a selfish message since the sender controls the communication (more like lack thereof). It lacks understanding and creates mystery and confusion. 

As long as cell phones and texting exists, ghosting isn't disappearing. In dating, mystery is considered a good thing, especially in the beginning stages, but it's important to be honest with your feelings. The takeaway is to establish respectful and safe methods of ending things even if one can't expect the same back. At the very least, you're the one who walks away with grace.