So-Called Imposter Syndrome
When I first heard the term "imposter syndrome," I thought it was a joke. I was especially irritated when I saw these types of messages: "I was SUFFERING from imposter syndrome!" Suffering? That seemed a bit strong...
I initially didn't think much more on it, but then a few months later, I saw it on my Instagram feed with an easy-to-digest slideshow graphic. It explained that there is an internalized tendency to feel as though one does not belong in a setting, group or position (not necessarily career-based), general low self-esteem and downplay on achievements and praise from others. There is an inherit fear of being a failure at whatever one is attempting to achieve. In other words: being a fraud.
The lightbulb went off.
We're all shaped by our experiences in life. While I won't detail my up's and down's on the rollercoaster that is my life, there have been instances wherein I questioned my integrity, my abilities, my talents and my achievements. The common denominator has been one thing: my self-esteem. I wish it was as easy as turning that lightbulb on and off, but unfortunately, the lightbulb does tend to faded and burnout. Therefore, I believe self-esteem is the highest factor in determining imposter syndrome.
Let's take one example of mine: graduate school. When I was in my final year of undergrad, I was extremely worried about the next step: finding a job. I had heard the "horror stories" of being underemployed or unemployed. In addition, I was seeking guidance. I was a little unsure of what field I wanted to get into. I liked culture, communication studies and all things international (which I can now acknowledge was the Exotic). My solution? Student loan debt- I mean- graduate school! I applied to four schools, but my dream school was The New School. It has the least rigorous program, easiest requirements but more blindly: I really wanted to live in New York City. I should have honestly followed my intuition. I should have traveled for a year or applied for the Peace Corps, but I wanted it all- and then some. Move out of my house, go to a fancy school, live in my dream city, make a ton of ~cool~ friends, meet a guy, get an awesome job, jet-set around the world, bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards everyone....
And did I pay for it. My little dream bubble grew and grew, but instead of filling it with substance, I filled a lot of it with air. Once I started classes, all of a sudden, it hit me. "Maybe I shouldn't be here. Everyone here is way smarter and knows more about postcolonial theory than I'll ever know in my two lifetimes." "Maybe they accepted me because admission was low- the school needed the dough." I was a fair student with okay grades, mostly B's. Some courses were more difficult than others, but it was more about me challenging the norms I knew. Looking back, there was so much I needed to learn. I had a vision, sure; but I also needed to put in the work. I took a lot for granted on "chance" and "luck" and missed a lot of true learning opportunities. My self-esteem took a little beating.
Still, I thought I would succeed. I carved out a little path towards the study abroad field. I applied for a Fulbright teaching assistantship and was rejected. And for the next two years, I was unable to secure a job in that field. My self-esteem took REAL beating. I was so embarrassed. I cut ties from most of my former classmates. I fell into the black hole of self-doubt. I sought out some resources, but at the end of the day, I needed to shift my mindset. Nobody could save me but me.
Eventually, things turned around, at least in the physical world. The job came, the stability came, the boyfriend came, the traveling came, the new car came, but I was still a bit empty. "I should be happy, but I am unfulfilled." I was not self-actualized. So I became vulnerable again: starting this blog, starting my passion project and networking again. Now, I want to take these creations to the next level, and the only thing holding me back is ME. I have the supportive system (from actual cool people, not my imaginary ones), I have the talents and abilities; and most importantly, I have the integrity and the vision.
Have I suffered from imposter syndrome, or do I still suffer from it?
Let's put it this way: I experienced it, but it has not held me back. If it has brought me closer to self-actualization then it is worth a little suffering.
I initially didn't think much more on it, but then a few months later, I saw it on my Instagram feed with an easy-to-digest slideshow graphic. It explained that there is an internalized tendency to feel as though one does not belong in a setting, group or position (not necessarily career-based), general low self-esteem and downplay on achievements and praise from others. There is an inherit fear of being a failure at whatever one is attempting to achieve. In other words: being a fraud.
The lightbulb went off.
We're all shaped by our experiences in life. While I won't detail my up's and down's on the rollercoaster that is my life, there have been instances wherein I questioned my integrity, my abilities, my talents and my achievements. The common denominator has been one thing: my self-esteem. I wish it was as easy as turning that lightbulb on and off, but unfortunately, the lightbulb does tend to faded and burnout. Therefore, I believe self-esteem is the highest factor in determining imposter syndrome.
Let's take one example of mine: graduate school. When I was in my final year of undergrad, I was extremely worried about the next step: finding a job. I had heard the "horror stories" of being underemployed or unemployed. In addition, I was seeking guidance. I was a little unsure of what field I wanted to get into. I liked culture, communication studies and all things international (which I can now acknowledge was the Exotic). My solution? Student loan debt- I mean- graduate school! I applied to four schools, but my dream school was The New School. It has the least rigorous program, easiest requirements but more blindly: I really wanted to live in New York City. I should have honestly followed my intuition. I should have traveled for a year or applied for the Peace Corps, but I wanted it all- and then some. Move out of my house, go to a fancy school, live in my dream city, make a ton of ~cool~ friends, meet a guy, get an awesome job, jet-set around the world, bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards everyone....
And did I pay for it. My little dream bubble grew and grew, but instead of filling it with substance, I filled a lot of it with air. Once I started classes, all of a sudden, it hit me. "Maybe I shouldn't be here. Everyone here is way smarter and knows more about postcolonial theory than I'll ever know in my two lifetimes." "Maybe they accepted me because admission was low- the school needed the dough." I was a fair student with okay grades, mostly B's. Some courses were more difficult than others, but it was more about me challenging the norms I knew. Looking back, there was so much I needed to learn. I had a vision, sure; but I also needed to put in the work. I took a lot for granted on "chance" and "luck" and missed a lot of true learning opportunities. My self-esteem took a little beating.
Still, I thought I would succeed. I carved out a little path towards the study abroad field. I applied for a Fulbright teaching assistantship and was rejected. And for the next two years, I was unable to secure a job in that field. My self-esteem took REAL beating. I was so embarrassed. I cut ties from most of my former classmates. I fell into the black hole of self-doubt. I sought out some resources, but at the end of the day, I needed to shift my mindset. Nobody could save me but me.
Eventually, things turned around, at least in the physical world. The job came, the stability came, the boyfriend came, the traveling came, the new car came, but I was still a bit empty. "I should be happy, but I am unfulfilled." I was not self-actualized. So I became vulnerable again: starting this blog, starting my passion project and networking again. Now, I want to take these creations to the next level, and the only thing holding me back is ME. I have the supportive system (from actual cool people, not my imaginary ones), I have the talents and abilities; and most importantly, I have the integrity and the vision.
Have I suffered from imposter syndrome, or do I still suffer from it?
Let's put it this way: I experienced it, but it has not held me back. If it has brought me closer to self-actualization then it is worth a little suffering.
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